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5:15am -
I hear Olivia yelling for me that she’s “all wet”. I walk down to her room and she’s in hysterics, soaking wet and only in a long-sleeve shirt. No pants, no diaper. Hummm, weird. I go to feel her shirt and it’s ltierally like she took a bath. So I peel it off of her, worried that she’s sick and sweaty or something, then the smell of rotten urine hits. Great. So I go over to her bed and realize that she at some point last night (after being put to bed, obviously), she took off her pants and diaper, went to bed, and then in the middle of the night peed all over everything. Mattress pad, fitted sheet, flat sheet, duvet, comforter, blankies and pillows. Excellent start to the day.

5:30 am -
Bath. Followed by five loads of laundry and a cleaning/scrubbing of her bedroom and bathroom.

8:30 am -
She tells me that she has to go potty so I put her on there and go into her room to put her now clean sheets back onto her bed. Then she runs in and tells me that there’s water everywhere. Somehow she had overflowed the toilet. All over the bathroom that I just cleaned. Great. Day’s improving already.

9:30 am -
Off to the mall to kill some time with an overtired, cranky child. She’s happily chilling in her stroller, legs in the air all relaxed. I notice a few people looking strangely at me but just figure it’s because she’s sitting like a monkey and singing to herself. Then she shifts positions several stores later and I look down to realize that she, at some point in the morning, took off her underwear and has spent the last 30 minutes exposing her lady parts for all to see. Classy. So we head into the nearest kids clothing store and spend a whopping $7 for ONE pair of underwear. She runs away from with one shoe on and the other off yelling “NO” at the top of her lungs because of course she doesn’t want to wear underwear. I therefore get the joy of chasing her down in the middle of the mall and putting her underwear on while she screams bloody murder, so of course everyone in a fifty yard radius is looking at us. Proud parenting moment.

11:00 am-
Epic parking lot meltdown because she doesn’t want to get in the car.

11:10 am -
Epic garage meltdown because, of course, now she doens’t want to get out of the car. I can’t win.

11:45 am -
Quesadilla and some play. Then she looks at me and informs me that she has pooped. In the darn overpriced $7 underwear I had JUST bought her two hours ago. Winning.

12:00 pm -
I’ve made it until noon without killing her! Victory! Naptime. Better be a long one. Like until tomorrow.

Motherhood. Ain’t it glamorous?

I need to fund a way to staple her underwear/diaper to her butt.

The end.


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